Ain't No Sunshine ... Yet

I have no patience when it comes to fixing what ails me. I know Rome wasn't built in a day, and nor was I, but still, I want solutions to work immediately, like almost as soon as I think about them even being a remote possibility. 

I considered the fact that I am severely depressed, but I'm pretty much in denial about it because I'm mostly just kicking my own ass whenever I fail at anything, so how could it possibly be anything other than me messing up again? 

I think it mostly comes from being raised by those who refused to express actual emotions, and so, anytime I ever had an "episode," I was told to settle down, straighten up, or that I was just being too emotional. 

I don't think I ever even sought professional help for depression until I was taking my daughter to a psychiatrist for her own behavioral issues, so at least early 2000s, and I was well into my 30s. None of these things were really REALLY addressed "back in my day." It was more of a "Suck it up, Buttercup," mentality. You were either normal or not normal, where I came from. 

ALL that to say, that I have started on Lexapro, lowest dose. However, I think I need to find a new doctor/facility because it makes no sense to start someone on a drug, give them a 30-day script with zero refills, and then say, "Check back in six weeks." Those maths will never math. 

Two days, I took it in the morning, and found out it was making me very groggy so I then switched to evening dosage, right before bed. My sleep is hellish. I'm on Day 2 of no coffee after mid-afternoon. I know that was affecting it, but I am thinking the menopause isn't helping either. 

Also had the doctor order blood panels for ALL the things. I am just one very dysregulated bean. 

It's only been four days (didn't start the meds til Thursday morning), so there won't really be anything to talk about. 

We took Odin to the dog park for the very first time ever. For me, it was highly anxiety-inducing - him being a Staffie, I just fear that something will go wrong, he will get blamed, and it will go all sorts of wrong. This comes from years with Nettie, who was highly unpredictable. We pretty much lived in seclusion with her because we never knew how she would react to other people or other dogs. Most of that was mental on our part, but we knew we didn't have the means if anyone ever sued us if she were to bite or attack someone. 

Now that she is gone, we can breathe a bit, but now it's turned into helicopter parenting (for me) in order to keep Odin safe. 

He did well with it. Met a German Shephard, met another pibble-mix (a female), and even some tiny dogs through the fence, and he was a gentleman. 

I finally got my trip to Seattle booked. THAT was panic-inducing - travel is not my strong suit. I booked, then I had to cancel the flight back because it wasn't letting me pick my seat (I MUST HAVE A WINDOW SEAT!!). I got the return flight booked. It's all good. 

The worry-er in me is afraid I'll get there to see my now daughter and will end up saying something wrong, not even on purpose, and start the whole banishment cycle over again. Logically, I don't think that's the case, but yeah. Overthinking at its finest. I got a nice hotel, and I even treated myself to first-class seating on the trip back, which I have never done before. 

Other than that, it's been a fairly decent week. No drama. I'd say that's a win.