The Safest Space

You know those days when you feel like there is absolutely no one to talk to? I have a lot of those. There are so many things I cannot talk about out loud, so these thoughts are left to stew in my brain and drive me batshit in the process. 

This is my safe space. This is where I say what I have to say without fear of scorn, reprimand, disdain, or outright disownment. 

I'm tired. I'm tired of the forced silence. I'm tired of everyone else controlling the narrative to make themselves comfortable. I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine when, absolutely, it is not fine. 

I feel like a flamingo in a herd of ostriches hiding their heads in the sand so they don't have to acknowledge that I might have something of import to say. 

I have spent far too many years, decades even, trying to appease the masses (mostly kids, spouse, family, etc.). I have muted who I am for so long that I no longer know who I am. I don't know what I want, other than peace. I don't know what I feel. I don't know when it will ever be safe to say what I like, what I don't like, what I believe, what I don't believe, etc. without someone, somewhere labeling me as something I most certainly am not. 

It's hard to even write this out loud. I stopped writing because I got tired of hearing myself pretend for the audience at hand (which was never really an audience to begin with). I got tired of managing everyone else's expectations and feelings. So I just shut up. 

Not anymore. 

This is my safe space. This is my only solace at the moment. And I have a lot to say. 

There is no "better left unsaid" here. Everything here will be left said.