Hopelessly Aimless Yet Significantly Overwhelmed

 How do you feel nothing and everything all at once? This is my day-to-day. Too many things to do, not enough brain cells left to do them. Too little fucks left to give. There's a hopelessness going on in my brain - like what's the point of any of it? It's like looking at these mountains and knowing I can't just go TOUCH them, even though I guess I'd like nothing more than to go sit somewhere in the middle and just be swallowed up. 

This isn't "Man's struggle for meaning" or Woman's ... because in my brain, there doesn't seem to be any meaning anymore. We're all just cogs in a machine we can't see - trees in the forest. Part of the collective. 

I see the hawk land on my fence, yet if I get up to touch it, it will just fly away. 

Story of my life, right? I reach out, rejection ensues. I live to serve, only, and the second it's me that needs something, I am all things selfish, self absorbed, and overdramatic. 

Maybe I suck at communication, but I think that's a load of shite. I don't talk any differently than I do here, and yet what I say can be so misconstrued and twisted that I can't even remember what it is that I said to begin with other than that I know it WASN'T what it was interpreted to be. 

Therein lies the hopelessness, and the overwhelm because all I need is for people to LISTEN, instead of instantly going into self-defense mode. I am not the monster they have all painted me to be. I am a human. I am a woman. I think I have a soul. I am no less deserving of being heard than any other human. 

I tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and yet nothing has ever been enough. Not even good enough. Just not even enough. Never measured up to anyone else's yardsticks. Never merited any sort of respect or dignity. I got everything I deserved. I caused it all. I brought it all on myself. I made my bed ...