One Day or Another

 It's hard to tell, for me, how any given day is going to go. Some days, all is well, all is mellow, and we just co-exist. Well, most days, I begin alone because I'm always up before him. Even if I sleep in, I'm still up before he wakes, at least by an hour or two, if not more. I've never been a heavy sleeper. Just not in my bones. 

Some days, as soon as he gets up, it's on. Those are the days when my resentment skyrockets. I cannot relate to being bitched at before one has even taken the time to say "Good Morning." Those are the days when he gives the impression that my presence is of great annoyance or inconvenience to him. 

Most of the time, I long for the days when he worked (away from home). I have been a remote worker since before it even became a thing, back in 2014 or so. I've had a full-time remote actual job, not just gig work, since 2021. At least then, I had some time and space to just breathe and be myself without fear of admonishment for whatever I did that day that just didn't measure up. 

I probably make it sound worse than it is - when really, the biggest issue is never knowing when his fuse has been lit, or when he's going to blow. It's the uncertainty, and the feeling of being completely and utterly alone and unwanted that is wearing on my psyche. 

At least now, I have stopped trying to walk on eggshells and manage his every mood. I mostly just isolate and leave him be. If he wants to talk, fine. If not, fine, too.